Saturday, 12 November 2011

RNOW EXCLUSIVE: WA to secede

The WA government is hatching a secret blueprint for the State to secede from the Federation, according to secret Cabinet documents leaked to RNOW.

The move, which will shock all but the most hardened political observers, is to be dropped on the unsuspecting WA public in early 2012.

President Rinehart


 Twiggy: PM

The documents include a proposed ‘parliament’ consisting of bosses of Australia’s biggest mining and energy companies: Fortescue, Xstrata, RioTinto, BHP and Woodside. Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forest will be the inaugural Prime Minister. A special post of WA ‘president’ will be created for Gina Rinehart, heiress and chief of Hancock prospecting.


Veteran WA Political commentator Willie Marginalson said that he is not surprised by the plans: “Everyone knows WA is run by the mining companies and that Barnett is an incompetent fool… so this just makes the whole thing legitimate”.  When asked how the public will respond, Marginalson remarked “frankly, apart form some bleating by pinkos, I think the majority will either not give a stuff or be all for it…. I can’t see the carbon or mining tax being introduced any time soon…”

The cabinet transcript would confirm this:

Barnett: “Look, guys, I still don’t really know how I got here and I’m getting a little tired of just saying what the miners tell me, so let’s …. Troy! Stop surfing for porn on your blackberry!... where was I, yes, let’s just get twiggy, gina and Marius in there and be done with it.”

Barnett: more time to eat glue
Buswell: “Sorry Colin… hey Colin, can I be like a special ambassador for women or something…?”

Barnett:” Not my call mate... now I’m led to believe that seret polling indicates support for this in all but ... surprise surprise ... friggin Freo and Mt Lawley. Any other problems?”

Porter:” Ah, Colin, have we ah really thought this through? I mean, ah, we’ll need our own army, Navy, Reserve Bank, a whole range of institutions will need to be established from sratch …. It’s really, ah, quite a big project.”

Barnett: “Anyone seen my glue?”

Jaqui Heartbleed from the Littlepoint research institute made some dire predictions: “They will have to man the borders. Anyone with a university degree that doesn’t have the words ‘engineering’ or ‘geology’ in it will want to get out of there as quick as they can”.

Stuart Stoneheart from JP Morgan was asked about the economic consequences of the split: “It’s good news all round. The new WA currency… tipped to be called the C.U.B. … will significantly ease the appreciation of the Aussie dollar, giving other sectors a well deserved advantage. Inflationary pressure will ease, flowing through the non-mining economy of the eastern seaboard. Going on Gina’s previous comments, WA might eventually become a sultanate or another Dubai, a zero tax nation! They are likely to let in all asylum seekers on the proviso they are paid a pittance and have zero rights .... the way it should be in a modern, market-based economy.”


RNOW caught up with old friend John ‘Johnno’ Johnson, who is all in favour: “mate, the sooner we kiss those commies Gillard and Swan goodbye the better. The country’s bin ridin’ on our backs long enough… as long as I can still take the missus to Bali once a year I don’t give a stuff!”

Barnett was unavailable for comment. However, according to the documents the planned move includes:
  • Unfettered uranium exploration and export
  • Compulsory leaving of high school in year 10
  • Gulag-style mining prisons in the Pilbara for political dissidents
  • Extra tax for vehicles with less than 8 cylinders
  • Generous tax concessions on pleasure craft
  • A ‘WA day’ public holiday every quarter
  • Free southern cross tattoos
  • Parliamentary control of all broadcasting and media 

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