Cameron bans ‘Rap’ music

British PM David Cameron has stunned political observers and music fans by not announcing that his government will officially ban ‘rap’ music.

This comes following London Mayor Boris Johnson’s allegations that the song ‘Radicals’ by little known hip hop artist Tyler the Creator was instrumental in inciting the violence that tore through several suburbs of London, Manchester and Liverpool. 

The song was released in My 2011, two months before the riots.

The former university colleagues, Johnson and Cameron fronted the media yesterday. “This music, particularly this song by this Tyler person speaks of doing exactly what happened in the riots” chortled Johnson.

BJ and DC: entitled

Cameron chimed in, not warbling, “The song speaks of wearing black hoodies and killing people, burning things and not attending school” (The track’s refrain is Kill people, burn sh!t, f*uck school.) 


He may have added “when Boris and I went on destructive rampages in our Bullingdon days, at least we did it for legitimate reasons ... a sense of entitlement, shall we say. How else are the future leaders of this country supposed to let off steam?”

The pair are adamant that young hooligans mindlessly followed its instructions to f*uck cops, I’m a f*ucking rock star, rebel and defiance makes my motherf*uckin’ cock hard…

 James Hartley from the Contemporary Culture Institute disagrees, saying that the track is deeply ironic and symbolizes disenfranchisement and disempowerment felt by the lower rungs of society.

solipsism .... innit!

This view is echoed by Martin Flanagan, Professor of linguistics and semiotics at the Coastal University of National Technology.

“This song is actually very profound” Flanagan muses. “It explores complex theoretical frameworks such as solipsism and existentialism. The line I’m a f*uckin unicorn and f*uck anybody who’ll say I’m not is a highly ironic paean to the triumph of relativistic nihilism over reason in modern capitalist society.”

 RNOW regular Jacqui Heartbleed from Littlepoint Institute agrees. “It’s an explanation, not a cause, of the violence. It’s a cry for help”.

A spokesperson for deputy PM Nick Clegg said the Lib Dems are unconcerned "so long as their constituents' supply of chermoulah and organic eggs isn't cut off".  

19 year old Tyler (right) was unavailable for comment. Had he been, he might have said: I'm awesome... and I f*uck dolphins