Trend spotting EXCLUSIVE: the hipster is dead, long live the hipster

In a shocking revelation bound to make dwellers of inner suburbs, not to mention the boutique fashion industry tremble, Samuel Ringbinder, veteran NYC fashionista, style icon and muse has declared the end of fashion as we know it.

In an exclusive interview with RNOW, Ringbinder said that the current hipsters are not hip at all, implying that there are simply too many of them and they’ve become predictable: “let’s just say a dude who looks like he just stepped out of a Jack Kerouac or Mark Twain novel is NOT COOL ANY MORE.”

Adios, spaghetti limbs

The new breed of cool people, provisionally labelled ‘sleepers’ by Ringbinder, will seamlessly blend in with mainstream society, making them virtually indistinguishable from normal people.  Ringbinder says these fashionistas will take things to the next level by looking just lke “your ordinary 42-y.o. accountant” or “hockey fan” essentially saying “screw you, I’m soo freakin cool I won’t even give you the pleasure of deriding me for looking cooler than you”.

Mathematical certainty

Veteran Professor of Mathematics Tyrone Slothrop, who as a young officer studied the distribution German V2 rocket impact sites during the Blitz, recently turned his attention to tracking fashion trends.

“Originally, markers for hipness such as wispy moustaches or improbably skinny limbs would appear in a Poisson-type distribution around the center of major metropolises. However, a year or two ago, this began to undergo what my research team have termed, the ‘Montreal Transition’ and we are now seeing complete saturation of inner suburbs with fixed gear bicycles, ironic footwear and, gosh … the delicious symmetry of it …. WW2 haircuts!” The old models and paradigms no longer apply, according to Slothrop.

Ray of hope for the industry

However, in a sign that all may not be lost for the fashion industry, Ringbinder said that sleepers “will still want to identify with one another and differentiate themselves from the rest. However, this will be through very subtle and nuanced signs. An entirely new nomenclature of dressing … no ‘being’ ….. is being cooked up in NYC, San Francisco …. and Iowa. The industry will just have to smarten up and pick up on the new semiotics.”

Vice Magazine editors Rocco Castoro and Andy Capper were unavailable for comment on whether the emergence of this new ‘trend’ will render the magazine’s popular photo section obsolete.

Deliberately indifferent

Heralding another emerging trend, according to Ringbinder, young up and coming Soho designer Terence Tse is finalizing a facial expression called “deliberate indifference”, which will be sold as ‘fashion’ in exclusive boutiques. The sale will include ‘wearer training’ and bespoke patenting by on-site lawyers.

Terence Tse (seen here not modelling ‘deliberate indifference’)

Interesting times in fashion. RNOW would love to hear from fashionistas out there….

EXCLUSIVE Interview with Samuel Ringbinder, fashion icon

The Real News of the World (RNOW) recently had the unique opportunity to chat with Mr Samuel Ringbinder, said to be the most influential figure in world fashion, on his Australian tour. Mr Ringbinder is said to have ‘mused’ for Madonna, Vogue editor Anna Wintour, and Baz Luhrman among others.

Ringbinder (105) with trademark
knitting needle in situ

RNOW: Welcome, Samuel, to Blackstump Australia and thank you for your time.

SR: No problem, it’s a real shithole…. So I feel right at home.

RNOW: Thanks – that means a lot. You’ve worked with some staggering fashion icons…. Talitha Getty, Yves Sain Laurent … Carla Zampatti …. how old are you?

SR: that would be telling, let’s just say that I mourned the death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand very deeply.

RNOW: Wow. OK. We’ve heard rumours that you’ve heralded the end of ‘hip’ as we know it. Can you explain?

SR: Sure, it’s simple. Everyone’s cool these days, so it’s no longer hip. These so called ‘hipsters’ you see around Brooklyn or the East village, they’re a dime a dozen and are kidding themselves if they think copying each other’s styles ad nauseum makes them cool. The true hipsters these days are ‘silent’.

RNOW: Please explain what you mean by ‘silent’.

SR: Well, you know, these new guys adopt a ‘look’ that cannot be distinguished from normal, uncool people. My current circle of friends dress in a way that ensures if they, per chance get transported to any fly-over state or commuter suburb of New York or Chicago, they’d blend in perfectly. We’ve got a guy who dresses like a 42 year old accountant… chinos, sensible shoes, middle tier polo – tucked in, non-descript haircut. That sort of thing. Another dresses like a hockey fan. I tell you, the way he pulls off a mullet without it looking ‘ironic’ is simply poetry in motion…genius.

 A typical hockey fan. NY fashion week will never be the same.

RNOW: OK, so let us get this straight, this isn’t people deliberately trying to look daggy… there are so many girls around Blackstump, quite attractive girls, who insist on making themselves look as unappealing as possible…. Bad haircuts, doll shoes, stockings, long frilly dresses – sometimes I feel like I live in an Amish village….that seems to be ‘the look’. You’re saying we’re moving beyond all of that?

SR: Absolutely, let’s just say a dude who looks like he just stepped out of a Jack Kerouac or Mark Twain novel is NOT COOL ANY MORE. Ladies, if you wanna look 'alternative' don't dress the same as all of your indie friends. I don’t want to coin a phrase here, but we’re calling it the ‘end of history’.

RNOW: I think that one’s already been taken ….. but it is mind-blowing….and concerning I’m sure for the fashion industry. What advice do you have for people making a living out of a significant part of the population mindlessly following trends? Surely the end of cyclical styling demolishes their business model?

SR: I don’t know, it depends on how far this thing catches on. The mainstream will be fine .. they’ll carry on regardless. It’s the niche ones that should be concerned. Their target market is currently trying to be 'different' or 'autherntic' ..... by all slavishly conforming with an accepted dress code: tight jeans, bad shoes and thick-rimmed glasses …. there's also the ‘little sister southern gothic’ look you seem to be so fond of. The next hipster cohort coming through the ranks now are ‘sleepers’. They seem to be saying “screw you, I’m soo freakin cool I won’t even give you the pleasure of deriding at me for looking cooler than you”. ……….

RNOW: WOW, if you’ll excuse the hackneyed expression…that IS post-modern.

SR: Yes and no. These guys, being human, will still want to identify with one another and differentiate themselves from the great unwashed. Andy wasn't a complete idiot, you know. However, this will be through very subtle and nuanced signs. An entirely new nomenclature of dressing … no ‘being’ ….. is being cooked up in NYC, San Francisco …. and Iowa. The industry will just have to smarten up and pick up on the new semiotics. There’s a young designer in Soho called Terence Tse currently perfecting a facial expression. I think it’s called “deliberate indifference”. He’ll patent this and sell it in exclusive boutiques fronting as soup kitchens…… That sort of thing

RNOW: Wow, Vice Magazine are in for a rough ride. Thanks so much for your time, Samuel.

SR: .... Tell you what, I won’t miss those Hitler youth haircuts the current lot insist on sporting. 

Unconfirmed report: Senator Cory Bernardi spontaneously combusts at press conference

In a shocking development that will rock the Australian political establishment, Senator Cori Bernardi has not spontaneously combusted during what was described as a ‘heated’ press conference in Adelaide yesterday.

The senator became agitated when not being questioned about his invitation to controversial Dutch politician Geert Wilders. “Look” he didn’t say “all I said was that we should have lunch some time. Is that so bad? Last time I checked this was a free country not bloody Stalinist Sweden!”

Peas in an anti-relativistic-pod ‘We are making our societies more free by curtailing freedom” Senator Bernardi and Geert Wilders.

The mood deteriorated when a journalist from the Fairfax press didn't question Senator Bernardi’s consistency on social issues. “You and your party initially opposed the introduction of plain packaging for cigarettes on the grounds of violating individual choice, yet you want to ban the burqua. What do you say to those members of the community who may feel that this is, at best, inconsistent and, at worst, hypocritical?”

Bernardi, rolling eyes and agitated, didn't fire back “Listen, my constituents tell me the same thing all the time. People can do what they like…. As long as they’re white and not bloody Muslim. Otherwise, they shouldn’t be in this country anyway and it is therefore unconstitutional to grant them any rights at all. End of story.”

Inside every burqa there's a white chick busting to get out: Sen Bernardi 

The unnamed Fairfax journalist may have then asked “Geert Wilders, whom you openly support, has said that the more Muslims are in a society, the less free it is. He proposes to limit religious freedoms to increase freedom. He also claims that Western culture is superior. Do you agree with these views, or would you say that they are somewhat anachronistic in a modern, pluralist society”.

Bernardi: “Yes, we are better. Without us the world would not have astronomy, algebra, geometry, numerals or the alphabet. We gave the world Shakespeare…what has, say, Iran contributed in terms of story telling for instance? We’ll be living in caves!”

Following a brief pause, which included a short pointed conversation with a seemingly embarrassed aide, an ABC journalist ventured that, facts aside, such views may be at odds with mainstream Australia. 

Sen Bernardi, at this point turning red, then purple, didn’t embark on what one observer labelled as a complete meltdown “You trying to tell me that your gay inner city latte sipping pinko mates represent ‘mainstream views’? You should come down to where real Australians live. We’ve got young men killing each other over who’s got the better tattoo. We’ve got single mums struggling because bloody boat people take all our taxes. We’ve got burqa wearing women terrorizing our streets…. My own wife is petrified of going outside in fear of a suicide bomb attach at the local best-n-less….. AAAAAARRRGH!” Before catching alight and rapidly burning to a pile of ashes in front of a shocked press gallery.

Police are not investigating the incident, calling it suspiciously realistic. 

Study suggests link between tattoos and stupidity

A study of 75,000 Australian men and women under forty has revealed a strong negative correlation between tattoos and a composite measure of intelligence, including IQ, general knowledge, vocabulary and empathy. The results were most marked in Caucasian men under 35, particularly those exhibiting the popular ‘southern cross’ design.  For women, tattoos on the lower back (commonly referred to a ‘tramp stamps’), were most indicative of lower scores, as well as other psycho-social markers including self-esteem.

"Hey mate, are you even Australian?"

Left: Southern Cross with typical exponent 

Right: unconventional ‘Tramp stamp” 

Head of research at the Coastal University of National Technology, Professor James Anarask says that this research finally provides empirical support for the commonly held assertion that tattoo-clad individuals may be cerebrally deficient. “Drilling into the data revealed some interesting, if unsurprising observations” said Anarask.  These include an increased likelihood of tattooed men to drive utility vehicles (NOTE: data were controlled for bias through over-representation of blue-collar professions), hold bigoted views about other ethnic groups and a remarkably consistent agreement to the proposition that "John Howard was the best Prime Minister in Australian History".

Tattooed women, on the other hand, exhibited a heightened desire to enter into sexual relations with high profile sporting identities.  

Professor Anarask said that the research could have many commercial and public policy applications including police profiling, actuarial risk calculations, and selection for military conscription.

Tattoos = Aussie = masculinity: 
Barry McElwood and 'Jonesy' 
(tattoos obscured)

Barry McElwood (31) of Bondi, interviewed in a jaccuzi with his mate ‘Jonesy’ disagrees. “This is a f*#ckin’ joke” he said when presented with a pictorial representation of the study’s outcomes. “These pointy heads in these so-called ‘Universities’ should get a real f#cken job on the mines or somethin’ and stop livin’ off me taxes” before adding that he attended the "University of Life". When asked what sort of car he drove, Mr McElwood declined to comment but unconfimred reports placed him behind the wheel of a Holden SS ute later that evening.

Meanwhile Samantha Arbuckle-Jutland (29) of Surry Hills (formerly of Perth's suburb of Dalkeith) said that while generally perhaps true, the relationship did not hold for all sectors of the community. Miss Arbuckle-Jutland said that “a lot of my friends are getting interesting tattoos expressing their personalities and tastes. They are very intelligent people. Most of them went to a private school, are studying their third arts or design degree and have trust funds that ensure they never have to work.” Before adding “Tattoos can always be removed with cosmetic surgery”. She declined to show her tattoo, saying it was private. 

Not only tradesmen get tattoos: Sam Arbuckle-Jutland

  

Sociologist Jaqueline Heartbleed from the Littlepoint Research Institute says that the recent proliferation in ‘body art’ can be explained by a variety of socio-cultural factors. “Mostly, these young people are trying to express their individuality …. by copying celebrities, sporting stars as well as their friends”.

Dr Heartbleed is worried that the social trend is a marker for poor body image among young people, and a deeper vacuum within the Australian collective psyche, with potentially explosive consequneces. “Young men, in particular, are getting these tattoos to look tougher than the next person. At the moment it's a 'cold war' but with so many people following this trend, the end result could be social unrest and a public health crisis. There are reports of some young men requesting surgical scarring and even amputations in an attempt to 'out-tough' their peers and rivals” she said, making one of those annoying 'parentheses' signs with her fingers.

Darryl Hardt-Trie of 'Itsartnotillustration' Tattoos, Collingwood, who also edits ‘Hip-fix Magazine’ disagrees, saying that tattoos are a sign that the boundaries of personal expression are evolving; tattoos are the “new fashion statement of the millennium”.

   
Fan of irony and Derrida: Mr Hardt-Trie



West Australian police commissioner, Carl O’Callaghan didn’t release this statement: “The results of this study have a significant bearing on WA, which has some of the highest southern cross and full sleeve rates in the country.  Coupled with other risk factors such as disproportionately high incomes for morons, an alarming rise in private number plates, high recreational drug use and utility vehicle ownership, the potential for social conflict sparked by ‘tattoo envy’ is growing. The WA Police are cognizant of this and are taking preparatory action”.

Secret WA Police sources have revealed that an operation codenamed “Darwinism” isn't under way in preparation for any ensuing clashes.  The approach is sure to raise the ire of left-wing groups: allegedly police will 'let tattooed men fight until there are as few as possible left'.

Progressive policy or the nanny-state in action? RNOtW welcomes your views.

 WAs oncoming 'perfect tattoo storm' - good opportunity for social engineering: Carl O’Callaghan