Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Aussie literacy rate plummets...Pyne still annoying

A report from the Australian Education Council has revealed a drop in national literacy against international trends. 

The average adult Australian reading age is now 9.

Dr Timothy Strainge said that, while suspecting a drop, the extent has taken his research team by surprise. He suggest various causes: “I think it’s a combination of factors: people leaving school earlier …. Reality TV…. Mel and Kochie... and the return of Rove McManus”.

The results seem to have a strong correlation with a recent study examining the links between tattoos and stupidity

They also mirror Tony Abbott’s approval ratings in reverse.

When not asked if he is surprised about these results, Mr Abbott answered “ah…. No.” When asked if elected as PM he would address this, he replied “Look ...ah…no”.

Asking if the collective stupidity of Australians meant that his lowest common denominator style was more effective RNOW may have got this response (RNOW recommends watching the clip to the end with sound on...but NOT TOO LOUD IF YOU'RE AT WORK).


Pyne....yep, still super annoying

 Stepping in for his boss, Christopher Pyne may have trilled "Um... that is simply untrue and baseless..." before RNOW had to vacate to avoid smacking him in the head.

The PM: posh in real life, , apparently
The PM, Julia Gillard appeared more troubled by the results, not drawling “The Oorstraylian Labor Party has awlways been committed to solid educayshun and we will continue to work haaard to make sure all kids get the soyme oppa-choonities….”.

When asked what her strategy was to cut through to an electorate enchanted with the Kardashians on complex policy issues such as the MRRT and a price on carbon, she potentially replied “whoi doo yoo think oi tork loike a moron?”

JR: Friedman fetish

John Roskam, IPA stalwart and former Young Liberal, is unconcerned. “As a free market fetishist, I believe that this is simply the natural evolution of our society. People are the best arbiters of their own actions - who are we to say that swapping school for menial work in order to buy jet skis is wrong... It's the invisible hand in action!” 

JR may have added “There's strong evidence that children, even newborns, exhibit rational free will. The IPA is lobbying hard to abolish the most pernicious of state-sanctioned social engineering - compulsory education”. 

When asked where this evidence can be found Roskam may have replied "the Old Testament, and the IPAs Ayn Rand collection".

Former PM Paul Keating, had he been on Lateline would have lectured “when I said, in the 90s, that Australia would become a banana republic everyone laughed … everyone, Tony.... And now - look, once again I’m proven right. Basically we’re stuffed, Tony … stuffed.”

What's good for Twiggy is good for Australia
The silver lining is, yet again, for the minerals sector. 

Sanctimonious whinger and Fortescue Metals chief, Twiggy Forrest, would say “Ah, yes, this is great news for the mining industry and Western Australia. An influx of illiterate morons into the workforce will drive down wages and increase profits. We’ll soon only have to pay a guy $100K to push a wheelbarrow around a minesite!” 

No comments:

Post a Comment