Study suggests link between tattoos and stupidity

A study of 75,000 Australian men and women under forty has revealed a strong negative correlation between tattoos and a composite measure of intelligence, including IQ, general knowledge, vocabulary and empathy. The results were most marked in Caucasian men under 35, particularly those exhibiting the popular ‘southern cross’ design.  For women, tattoos on the lower back (commonly referred to a ‘tramp stamps’), were most indicative of lower scores, as well as other psycho-social markers including self-esteem.

"Hey mate, are you even Australian?"

Left: Southern Cross with typical exponent 

Right: unconventional ‘Tramp stamp” 

Head of research at the Coastal University of National Technology, Professor James Anarask says that this research finally provides empirical support for the commonly held assertion that tattoo-clad individuals may be cerebrally deficient. “Drilling into the data revealed some interesting, if unsurprising observations” said Anarask.  These include an increased likelihood of tattooed men to drive utility vehicles (NOTE: data were controlled for bias through over-representation of blue-collar professions), hold bigoted views about other ethnic groups and a remarkably consistent agreement to the proposition that "John Howard was the best Prime Minister in Australian History".

Tattooed women, on the other hand, exhibited a heightened desire to enter into sexual relations with high profile sporting identities.  

Professor Anarask said that the research could have many commercial and public policy applications including police profiling, actuarial risk calculations, and selection for military conscription.

Tattoos = Aussie = masculinity: 
Barry McElwood and 'Jonesy' 
(tattoos obscured)

Barry McElwood (31) of Bondi, interviewed in a jaccuzi with his mate ‘Jonesy’ disagrees. “This is a f*#ckin’ joke” he said when presented with a pictorial representation of the study’s outcomes. “These pointy heads in these so-called ‘Universities’ should get a real f#cken job on the mines or somethin’ and stop livin’ off me taxes” before adding that he attended the "University of Life". When asked what sort of car he drove, Mr McElwood declined to comment but unconfimred reports placed him behind the wheel of a Holden SS ute later that evening.

Meanwhile Samantha Arbuckle-Jutland (29) of Surry Hills (formerly of Perth's suburb of Dalkeith) said that while generally perhaps true, the relationship did not hold for all sectors of the community. Miss Arbuckle-Jutland said that “a lot of my friends are getting interesting tattoos expressing their personalities and tastes. They are very intelligent people. Most of them went to a private school, are studying their third arts or design degree and have trust funds that ensure they never have to work.” Before adding “Tattoos can always be removed with cosmetic surgery”. She declined to show her tattoo, saying it was private. 

Not only tradesmen get tattoos: Sam Arbuckle-Jutland

  

Sociologist Jaqueline Heartbleed from the Littlepoint Research Institute says that the recent proliferation in ‘body art’ can be explained by a variety of socio-cultural factors. “Mostly, these young people are trying to express their individuality …. by copying celebrities, sporting stars as well as their friends”.

Dr Heartbleed is worried that the social trend is a marker for poor body image among young people, and a deeper vacuum within the Australian collective psyche, with potentially explosive consequneces. “Young men, in particular, are getting these tattoos to look tougher than the next person. At the moment it's a 'cold war' but with so many people following this trend, the end result could be social unrest and a public health crisis. There are reports of some young men requesting surgical scarring and even amputations in an attempt to 'out-tough' their peers and rivals” she said, making one of those annoying 'parentheses' signs with her fingers.

Darryl Hardt-Trie of 'Itsartnotillustration' Tattoos, Collingwood, who also edits ‘Hip-fix Magazine’ disagrees, saying that tattoos are a sign that the boundaries of personal expression are evolving; tattoos are the “new fashion statement of the millennium”.

   
Fan of irony and Derrida: Mr Hardt-Trie



West Australian police commissioner, Carl O’Callaghan didn’t release this statement: “The results of this study have a significant bearing on WA, which has some of the highest southern cross and full sleeve rates in the country.  Coupled with other risk factors such as disproportionately high incomes for morons, an alarming rise in private number plates, high recreational drug use and utility vehicle ownership, the potential for social conflict sparked by ‘tattoo envy’ is growing. The WA Police are cognizant of this and are taking preparatory action”.

Secret WA Police sources have revealed that an operation codenamed “Darwinism” isn't under way in preparation for any ensuing clashes.  The approach is sure to raise the ire of left-wing groups: allegedly police will 'let tattooed men fight until there are as few as possible left'.

Progressive policy or the nanny-state in action? RNOtW welcomes your views.

 WAs oncoming 'perfect tattoo storm' - good opportunity for social engineering: Carl O’Callaghan