Saturday, 17 September 2011

Unconfirmed report: Senator Cory Bernardi spontaneously combusts at press conference

In a shocking development that will rock the Australian political establishment, Senator Cori Bernardi has not spontaneously combusted during what was described as a ‘heated’ press conference in Adelaide yesterday.

The senator became agitated when not being questioned about his invitation to controversial Dutch politician Geert Wilders. “Look” he didn’t say “all I said was that we should have lunch some time. Is that so bad? Last time I checked this was a free country not bloody Stalinist Sweden!”

Peas in an anti-relativistic-pod ‘We are making our societies more free by curtailing freedom” Senator Bernardi and Geert Wilders.

The mood deteriorated when a journalist from the Fairfax press didn't question Senator Bernardi’s consistency on social issues. “You and your party initially opposed the introduction of plain packaging for cigarettes on the grounds of violating individual choice, yet you want to ban the burqua. What do you say to those members of the community who may feel that this is, at best, inconsistent and, at worst, hypocritical?”

Bernardi, rolling eyes and agitated, didn't fire back “Listen, my constituents tell me the same thing all the time. People can do what they like…. As long as they’re white and not bloody Muslim. Otherwise, they shouldn’t be in this country anyway and it is therefore unconstitutional to grant them any rights at all. End of story.”

Inside every burqa there's a white chick busting to get out: Sen Bernardi 

The unnamed Fairfax journalist may have then asked “Geert Wilders, whom you openly support, has said that the more Muslims are in a society, the less free it is. He proposes to limit religious freedoms to increase freedom. He also claims that Western culture is superior. Do you agree with these views, or would you say that they are somewhat anachronistic in a modern, pluralist society”.

Bernardi: “Yes, we are better. Without us the world would not have astronomy, algebra, geometry, numerals or the alphabet. We gave the world Shakespeare…what has, say, Iran contributed in terms of story telling for instance? We’ll be living in caves!”

Following a brief pause, which included a short pointed conversation with a seemingly embarrassed aide, an ABC journalist ventured that, facts aside, such views may be at odds with mainstream Australia. 

Sen Bernardi, at this point turning red, then purple, didn’t embark on what one observer labelled as a complete meltdown “You trying to tell me that your gay inner city latte sipping pinko mates represent ‘mainstream views’? You should come down to where real Australians live. We’ve got young men killing each other over who’s got the better tattoo. We’ve got single mums struggling because bloody boat people take all our taxes. We’ve got burqa wearing women terrorizing our streets…. My own wife is petrified of going outside in fear of a suicide bomb attach at the local best-n-less….. AAAAAARRRGH!” Before catching alight and rapidly burning to a pile of ashes in front of a shocked press gallery.

Police are not investigating the incident, calling it suspiciously realistic. 

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