RNOW EXCLUSIVE: WA to secede

The WA government is hatching a secret blueprint for the State to secede from the Federation, according to secret Cabinet documents leaked to RNOW.

The move, which will shock all but the most hardened political observers, is to be dropped on the unsuspecting WA public in early 2012.



President Rinehart

 Twiggy: PM

The documents include a proposed ‘parliament’ consisting of bosses of Australia’s biggest mining and energy companies: Fortescue, Xstrata, RioTinto, BHP and Woodside. Andrew ‘Twiggy’ Forest will be the inaugural Prime Minister. A special post of WA ‘president’ will be created for Gina Rinehart, heiress and chief of Hancock prospecting.

Veteran WA Political commentator Willie Marginalson said that he is not surprised by the plans: “Everyone knows WA is run by the mining companies and that Barnett is an incompetent fool… so this just makes the whole thing legitimate”.  When asked how the public will respond, Marginalson remarked “frankly, apart form some bleating by pinkos, I think the majority will either not give a stuff or be all for it…. I can’t see the carbon or mining tax being introduced any time soon…”

The cabinet transcript would confirm this:

Barnett: “Look, guys, I still don’t really know how I got here and I’m getting a little tired of just saying what the miners tell me, so let’s …. Troy! Stop surfing for porn on your blackberry!... where was I, yes, let’s just get twiggy, gina and Marius in there and be done with it.”

Barnett: more time to eat glue

Buswell: “Sorry Colin… hey Colin, can I be like a special ambassador for women or something…?”

Barnett:” Not my call mate... now I’m led to believe that seret polling indicates support for this in all but ... surprise surprise ... friggin Freo and Mt Lawley. Any other problems?”

Porter:” Ah, Colin, have we ah really thought this through? I mean, ah, we’ll need our own army, Navy, Reserve Bank, a whole range of institutions will need to be established from sratch …. It’s really, ah, quite a big project.”

Barnett: “Anyone seen my glue?”

Jaqui Heartbleed from the Littlepoint research institute made some dire predictions: “They will have to man the borders. Anyone with a university degree that doesn’t have the words ‘engineering’ or ‘geology’ in it will want to get out of there as quick as they can”.

Stuart Stoneheart from JP Morgan was asked about the economic consequences of the split: “It’s good news all round. The new WA currency… tipped to be called the C.U.B. … will significantly ease the appreciation of the Aussie dollar, giving other sectors a well deserved advantage. Inflationary pressure will ease, flowing through the non-mining economy of the eastern seaboard. Going on Gina’s previous comments, WA might eventually become a sultanate or another Dubai, a zero tax nation! They are likely to let in all asylum seekers on the proviso they are paid a pittance and have zero rights .... the way it should be in a modern, market-based economy.”

RNOW caught up with old friend John ‘Johnno’ Johnson, who is all in favour: “mate, the sooner we kiss those commies Gillard and Swan goodbye the better. The country’s bin ridin’ on our backs long enough… as long as I can still take the missus to Bali once a year I don’t give a stuff!”

Barnett was unavailable for comment. However, according to the documents the planned move includes:

• Unfettered uranium exploration and export
• Compulsory leaving of high school in year 10
• Gulag-style mining prisons in the Pilbara for political dissidents
• Extra tax for vehicles with less than 8 cylinders
• Generous tax concessions on pleasure craft
• A ‘WA day’ public holiday every quarter
• Free southern cross tattoos
• Parliamentary control of all broadcasting and media 

Cameron bans ‘Rap’ music

British PM David Cameron has stunned political observers and music fans by not announcing that his government will officially ban ‘rap’ music.

This comes following London Mayor Boris Johnson’s allegations that the song ‘Radicals’ by little known hip hop artist Tyler the Creator was instrumental in inciting the violence that tore through several suburbs of London, Manchester and Liverpool. 

The song was released in My 2011, two months before the riots.

The former university colleagues, Johnson and Cameron fronted the media yesterday. “This music, particularly this song by this Tyler person speaks of doing exactly what happened in the riots” chortled Johnson.

BJ and DC: entitled

Cameron chimed in, not warbling, “The song speaks of wearing black hoodies and killing people, burning things and not attending school” (The track’s refrain is Kill people, burn sh!t, f*uck school.) 


He may have added “when Boris and I went on destructive rampages in our Bullingdon days, at least we did it for legitimate reasons ... a sense of entitlement, shall we say. How else are the future leaders of this country supposed to let off steam?”

The pair are adamant that young hooligans mindlessly followed its instructions to f*uck cops, I’m a f*ucking rock star, rebel and defiance makes my motherf*uckin’ cock hard…

 James Hartley from the Contemporary Culture Institute disagrees, saying that the track is deeply ironic and symbolizes disenfranchisement and disempowerment felt by the lower rungs of society.

solipsism .... innit!

This view is echoed by Martin Flanagan, Professor of linguistics and semiotics at the Coastal University of National Technology.

“This song is actually very profound” Flanagan muses. “It explores complex theoretical frameworks such as solipsism and existentialism. The line I’m a f*uckin unicorn and f*uck anybody who’ll say I’m not is a highly ironic paean to the triumph of relativistic nihilism over reason in modern capitalist society.”

 RNOW regular Jacqui Heartbleed from Littlepoint Institute agrees. “It’s an explanation, not a cause, of the violence. It’s a cry for help”.

A spokesperson for deputy PM Nick Clegg said the Lib Dems are unconcerned "so long as their constituents' supply of chermoulah and organic eggs isn't cut off".  

19 year old Tyler (right) was unavailable for comment. Had he been, he might have said: I'm awesome... and I f*uck dolphins

Sydney and Melbourne 'neck and neck' - survey

A new ‘liveability’ survey has revealed virtually no difference between old rivals Sydney and Melbourne.

The survey, conducted by the Littlepoint Research institute takes a range of factors such as culture, climate, people, food and affordability into consideration.

Fitzroy dweller

Melbourne scored highly on most components, but lost ground due to “residents’ tendency to harp on about how much better Melbourne is than Sydney”, according to Littlepoint Director, Jacqueline Heartbleed. It also lost points due to its female residents’ proclivity for wearing black, and the 18-35 age bracket’s penchant for ‘vile knitted vests’.

Sydney, made up ground since the last survey in 2009, ironically due a drop Sydneysiders talking about how wonderful it is and ambivalence about the comparisons. 

Queenslander

Perth and Brisbane came in 3^rd and 4^th respectively. Cost of living and value for money was an issue in Perth, where a t/a coffee can cost up to $57. Brisbane would have topped the list were it not for the fact that it is inhabited by Queenslanders.

Australia officially most whiny nation on earth

Australia has overtaken England as the world’s most whingeing nation, according to a paper published in the International Journal of Economics, Sociology and other Inexact Sciences.

According to the study, conducted every three years and based on randomly selected interviews, thematic analysis of political discourse and talkback radio, Australia has moved from seventh to first. England is a close second.

The authors say that “recent Australian political and social discourse indicates a strong sense of entitlement and reliance of comfortable middle class on government welfare, closely related to a tendency to blame the government when things go wrong.”

Regionally, the biggest whining came from WA, NSW and Queesnland, with Tasmanians and Victorians seemingly more content with their lot.. The paper fails to draw conclusions as to the reasons for this increased whining down under. RNOW caught up with some Aussies to get some insights.

Tradesman Steve ‘Macca’ McNought from the northern Perth suburb of Edgewater, says he’s mainly concerned about his growing economic hardship.



Life's tough: Macca McNought and friends - Bazza and Chromie



“Yea it’s a worry, mate. The mortgage on me 7 bedroom house is killin’ me.” He regards cost of living as a major factor. “A round for the boys at the Breakie will set me back 300 bucks! Takin’ the missus out for tea in Sarborough is at least a few hunjie. Don’t get me started on fuel. Fillin’ up the Hilux and the dirtbikes costs me a mozza. I can only get on the jet skis every two weeks these days…”



Retirees Peter and Mary Grouch from Sylvania, Sydney, are equally worried. “Alan (Jones) says the carbon tax will quadruple our energy bills, destroy our way of life and cause three-headed babies to be born to all Aussie mothers…of course we’re concerned. Bloody Gillard, bloody Combet, bloody Swan … bloody socialists.... it’s all their bloody fault”

Meanwhile Jim Lockdread, who lives with his wify Kitty and children Star and Rainbow on a two-acre property near Devonport (Tas), says his family are quite content. “So long as we can get our organic vegies and eggs we’re happy”.

West Aussies doing it really tough:
Barnett

Colin Barnett, Premier of WA - the most whiny state in Australia - may have grinned “there are real conerns in our community about preserving our way of life: driving big cars around, casual racism, and three overseas holidays every year… against a raft of pressures and encroachemnts."

"Families are doing it tough, some are even having to sell their boats!”

Other surprise packets were Poland and the USA, registering strong rises and falls respectively. 

Poleheads - love a white whine

Tomasz Durnowski, well known Polehead and tabloid journalist said: “No, kurwa, nic nam sie nie podoba, nigdy. Jestesmy otoczeny durniami, kurwa.”  (We don’t like farken anything, ever, farken. We are surrounded by idiots, farken).

With an economy in the doldrums and a realization that the rest of the world hates them, perhaps Americans see no point in complaining.

Aside from Japan, developed nations are overrepresented in the top ten, something that has come to the attention of the blogosphere.

No jet ski? No worries

The world’s least whiny nations are Pakistan, Somalia and Haiti, despite having plenty to complain about, including famines earthquakes and devastating floods.

Germany's score was boosted by this: http://wimp.com/daddylegs/


The top ten whingers: 
1. Australia  2.  England  3.  Poland  4. Italy  5. Israel 6.  India  7.     Greece  8.  Hong Kong  9.  USA  10. Germany

     

     

     

     

  

     

Casual racism is OK in Oz

Joe Hockey injected some casual racism into parliamentary debate the other day.

Hockey - Douche

Trying to mock Treasurer Wayne Swan for winning the Euromoney ‘Finance Minister of the Year’ award, Hockey read out a list of the nationalities of previous recipients, and appeared particularly unimpressed about some of them "Slovakian ministers, a Serbian, a Nigerian and a Bulgarian. In 2001 there was a Pakistani finance minister. That is quite an extraordinary one, that one."

Yes, these are quite extraordinary individuals. As pointed out by Bernard Keane on Crikey, Shaukat Aziz -- later Pakistani Prime Minister -- was lauded for a consolidation of Pakistan's previously shambolic public finances, something the IMF singled him out for praise over. 

To the current crop of post-Howard Libs “Pakistan is, perhaps inherently funny?” posits Keane.

As for "a Nigerian", well, that was only Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, who then became managing director of the World Bank for four years. Doesn’t count, though, ‘cos she’s black, innit? (that’s right – she – wonder what Bill Heffernan thought about that one).

The Bulgarian cabinet... according to the Coalition

Hockey omitted Jim Flaherty, Finance Minister in Stephen Harper's right-wing Canadian government. Perhaps it wouldn't be sporting to mock a fellow Tory. The 2010 winner was a Russian (Alexei Kudrin). Maybe Russia is too big a fish to pick on?


Serbian (Mljadan Dinkic), Slovak (IIvan Miklos) and Bulgarian (Milen Veltchev) winners might have escaped ridicule had their names been less ... you know ... foreigny sounding. Not many names like that on the northern beaches, are there, big fella?

Wyatt - wrong party perhaps?

What’s more extraordinary, and not mentioned by BK - sitting behind the front bench is none other than WA MP Ken Wyatt, the first ever indigenous member of the lower house (no doubt positioned there to showcase the Coalition’s cred on these matters), who can be seen chuckling throughout the tirade.

You really can't make this stuff up.

RNOW canvassed the opinions of two Blackstump residents. 


Small business owner and tattoo enthusiast John ‘Johnno’ Johnson doesn’t see the big deal, saying “I’ve never heard of these places” before contributing “Swan’s a commie c*unt, anyway”.

Meanwhile Dr Jacqueline Heartbleed of the Littlepoint Research institute and author of Lesbian Seagulls - Minorities in the Digital Age decried the comments as “unacceptable to all these poor poor minority countries. We should immediately send aid to Slovakia, Serbia and Bulgaria”.

Thankfully Lib MP Christopher Pyne (left) was unavailable for comment. 

(Thanks to Crikey's BK for reporting this in a more serious manner)

Aussie literacy rate plummets...Pyne still annoying

A report from the Australian Education Council has revealed a drop in national literacy against international trends. 

The average adult Australian reading age is now 9.

Dr Timothy Strainge said that, while suspecting a drop, the extent has taken his research team by surprise. He suggest various causes: “I think it’s a combination of factors: people leaving school earlier …. Reality TV…. Mel and Kochie... and the return of Rove McManus”.

The results seem to have a strong correlation with a recent study examining the links between tattoos and stupidity. 

They also mirror Tony Abbott’s approval ratings in reverse.

When not asked if he is surprised about these results, Mr Abbott answered “ah…. No.” When asked if elected as PM he would address this, he replied “Look ...ah…no”.

Asking if the collective stupidity of Australians meant that his lowest common denominator style was more effective RNOW may have got this response (RNOW recommends watching the clip to the end with sound on...but NOT TOO LOUD IF YOU'RE AT WORK).

 

Pyne....yep, still super annoying

 Stepping in for his boss, Christopher Pyne may have trilled "Um... that is simply untrue and baseless..." before RNOW had to vacate to avoid smacking him in the head.

The PM: posh in real life, , apparently

The PM, Julia Gillard appeared more troubled by the results, not drawling “The Oorstraylian Labor Party has awlways been committed to solid educayshun and we will continue to work haaard to make sure all kids get the soyme oppa-choonities….”.

When asked what her strategy was to cut through to an electorate enchanted with the Kardashians on complex policy issues such as the MRRT and a price on carbon, she potentially replied “whoi doo yoo think oi tork loike a moron?”

JR: Friedman fetish

John Roskam, IPA stalwart and former Young Liberal, is unconcerned. “As a free market fetishist, I believe that this is simply the natural evolution of our society. People are the best arbiters of their own actions - who are we to say that swapping school for menial work in order to buy jet skis is wrong... It's the invisible hand in action!” 

JR may have added “There's strong evidence that children, even newborns, exhibit rational free will. The IPA is lobbying hard to abolish the most pernicious of state-sanctioned social engineering - compulsory education”. 

When asked where this evidence can be found Roskam may have replied "the Old Testament, and ....er... the IPAs Ayn Rand collection".

Former PM Paul Keating, had he been on Lateline would have lectured “when I said, in the 90s, that Australia would become a banana republic everyone laughed … everyone, Tony.... And now - look, once again I’m proven right. Basically we’re stuffed, Tony … stuffed.”

What's good for Twiggy is good for Australia

The silver lining is, yet again, for the minerals sector. 

Sanctimonious whinger and Fortescue Metals chief, Twiggy Forrest, would say “Ah, yes, this is great news for the mining industry and Western Australia. An influx of illiterate morons into the workforce will drive down wages and increase profits. We’ll soon only have to pay a guy $100K to push a wheelbarrow around a minesite!” 

Gay and lesbian groups indifferent to proposal for 'straight' mardi gras

Gay and lesbian groups have reacted with indifference to a proposal by Sydney City Council for a ‘Straight’ mardi gras on 26 January 2012.

Gary van Bearing, President of the Association for Same Sexes, said that in the spirit of equality and inclusion, his organization welcomes the proposal, adding that in future the events may even be able to amalgamate.

Religious groups, on the other hand, have reacted with enthusiasm to the proposed parade. The Rev Fred Nile, NSW MP and anti-gay crusader, didn’t say that “it’s about bloody time normal citizens reclaimed Oxford St and celebrate what’s great about this city and this country. Straightness, whiteness, religiousness.... ...... and the odd bit of porn research!”


This sentiment was echoed by Dave Toolworthy of the Blackstump Institute for God’s Truth (BIGoT) who said a record turn out is ‘guaranteed’. Mr Toolworthy baulked, however, at the suggestion of combined gay and straight parade. "Listen here" he snarled "there's no way you'll catch me anywhere near a guy wearing only chaps and a smile....unless I'm on an end-of-season footy trip!"

Creepy: Possible design for Nile's float

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the Rev Nile will head up the lead float. In a late twist, however, it has come to the attention of RNOW that Nile may have some competition from former Prime Minister John Howard, whose spokesperson today failed to confirm or deny whether the ex-PM would throw his hat into the ring to head up the parade.

Tones at last year's ev

Meanwhile opposition leader Tony Abbot’s office declined to comment if he would attend, a spokesperson then murmuring something about his usually not attending the real pageant. 

The event may be hosted by Ray Hadley.

RNOWs impression of the 2012 pageant

Trend spotting EXCLUSIVE: the hipster is dead, long live the hipster

In a shocking revelation bound to make dwellers of inner suburbs, not to mention the boutique fashion industry tremble, Samuel Ringbinder, veteran NYC fashionista, style icon and muse has declared the end of fashion as we know it.

In an exclusive interview with RNOW, Ringbinder said that the current hipsters are not hip at all, implying that there are simply too many of them and they’ve become predictable: “let’s just say a dude who looks like he just stepped out of a Jack Kerouac or Mark Twain novel is NOT COOL ANY MORE.”

Adios, spaghetti limbs

The new breed of cool people, provisionally labelled ‘sleepers’ by Ringbinder, will seamlessly blend in with mainstream society, making them virtually indistinguishable from normal people.  Ringbinder says these fashionistas will take things to the next level by looking just lke “your ordinary 42-y.o. accountant” or “hockey fan” essentially saying “screw you, I’m soo freakin cool I won’t even give you the pleasure of deriding me for looking cooler than you”.

Mathematical certainty

Veteran Professor of Mathematics Tyrone Slothrop, who as a young officer studied the distribution German V2 rocket impact sites during the Blitz, recently turned his attention to tracking fashion trends.

“Originally, markers for hipness such as wispy moustaches or improbably skinny limbs would appear in a Poisson-type distribution around the center of major metropolises. However, a year or two ago, this began to undergo what my research team have termed, the ‘Montreal Transition’ and we are now seeing complete saturation of inner suburbs with fixed gear bicycles, ironic footwear and, gosh … the delicious symmetry of it …. WW2 haircuts!” The old models and paradigms no longer apply, according to Slothrop.

Ray of hope for the industry

However, in a sign that all may not be lost for the fashion industry, Ringbinder said that sleepers “will still want to identify with one another and differentiate themselves from the rest. However, this will be through very subtle and nuanced signs. An entirely new nomenclature of dressing … no ‘being’ ….. is being cooked up in NYC, San Francisco …. and Iowa. The industry will just have to smarten up and pick up on the new semiotics.”

Vice Magazine editors Rocco Castoro and Andy Capper were unavailable for comment on whether the emergence of this new ‘trend’ will render the magazine’s popular photo section obsolete.

Deliberately indifferent

Heralding another emerging trend, according to Ringbinder, young up and coming Soho designer Terence Tse is finalizing a facial expression called “deliberate indifference”, which will be sold as ‘fashion’ in exclusive boutiques. The sale will include ‘wearer training’ and bespoke patenting by on-site lawyers.

Terence Tse (seen here not modelling ‘deliberate indifference’)

Interesting times in fashion. RNOW would love to hear from fashionistas out there….

EXCLUSIVE Interview with Samuel Ringbinder, fashion icon

The Real News of the World (RNOW) recently had the unique opportunity to chat with Mr Samuel Ringbinder, said to be the most influential figure in world fashion, on his Australian tour. Mr Ringbinder is said to have ‘mused’ for Madonna, Vogue editor Anna Wintour, and Baz Luhrman among others.

Ringbinder (105) with trademark
knitting needle in situ

RNOW: Welcome, Samuel, to Blackstump Australia and thank you for your time.

SR: No problem, it’s a real shithole…. So I feel right at home.

RNOW: Thanks – that means a lot. You’ve worked with some staggering fashion icons…. Talitha Getty, Yves Sain Laurent … Carla Zampatti …. how old are you?

SR: that would be telling, let’s just say that I mourned the death of Archduke Franz Ferdinand very deeply.

RNOW: Wow. OK. We’ve heard rumours that you’ve heralded the end of ‘hip’ as we know it. Can you explain?

SR: Sure, it’s simple. Everyone’s cool these days, so it’s no longer hip. These so called ‘hipsters’ you see around Brooklyn or the East village, they’re a dime a dozen and are kidding themselves if they think copying each other’s styles ad nauseum makes them cool. The true hipsters these days are ‘silent’.

RNOW: Please explain what you mean by ‘silent’.

SR: Well, you know, these new guys adopt a ‘look’ that cannot be distinguished from normal, uncool people. My current circle of friends dress in a way that ensures if they, per chance get transported to any fly-over state or commuter suburb of New York or Chicago, they’d blend in perfectly. We’ve got a guy who dresses like a 42 year old accountant… chinos, sensible shoes, middle tier polo – tucked in, non-descript haircut. That sort of thing. Another dresses like a hockey fan. I tell you, the way he pulls off a mullet without it looking ‘ironic’ is simply poetry in motion…genius.

 A typical hockey fan. NY fashion week will never be the same.

RNOW: OK, so let us get this straight, this isn’t people deliberately trying to look daggy… there are so many girls around Blackstump, quite attractive girls, who insist on making themselves look as unappealing as possible…. Bad haircuts, doll shoes, stockings, long frilly dresses – sometimes I feel like I live in an Amish village….that seems to be ‘the look’. You’re saying we’re moving beyond all of that?

SR: Absolutely, let’s just say a dude who looks like he just stepped out of a Jack Kerouac or Mark Twain novel is NOT COOL ANY MORE. Ladies, if you wanna look 'alternative' don't dress the same as all of your indie friends. I don’t want to coin a phrase here, but we’re calling it the ‘end of history’.

RNOW: I think that one’s already been taken ….. but it is mind-blowing….and concerning I’m sure for the fashion industry. What advice do you have for people making a living out of a significant part of the population mindlessly following trends? Surely the end of cyclical styling demolishes their business model?

SR: I don’t know, it depends on how far this thing catches on. The mainstream will be fine .. they’ll carry on regardless. It’s the niche ones that should be concerned. Their target market is currently trying to be 'different' or 'autherntic' ..... by all slavishly conforming with an accepted dress code: tight jeans, bad shoes and thick-rimmed glasses …. there's also the ‘little sister southern gothic’ look you seem to be so fond of. The next hipster cohort coming through the ranks now are ‘sleepers’. They seem to be saying “screw you, I’m soo freakin cool I won’t even give you the pleasure of deriding at me for looking cooler than you”. ……….

RNOW: WOW, if you’ll excuse the hackneyed expression…that IS post-modern.

SR: Yes and no. These guys, being human, will still want to identify with one another and differentiate themselves from the great unwashed. Andy wasn't a complete idiot, you know. However, this will be through very subtle and nuanced signs. An entirely new nomenclature of dressing … no ‘being’ ….. is being cooked up in NYC, San Francisco …. and Iowa. The industry will just have to smarten up and pick up on the new semiotics. There’s a young designer in Soho called Terence Tse currently perfecting a facial expression. I think it’s called “deliberate indifference”. He’ll patent this and sell it in exclusive boutiques fronting as soup kitchens…… That sort of thing

RNOW: Wow, Vice Magazine are in for a rough ride. Thanks so much for your time, Samuel.

SR: .... Tell you what, I won’t miss those Hitler youth haircuts the current lot insist on sporting. 

Unconfirmed report: Senator Cory Bernardi spontaneously combusts at press conference

In a shocking development that will rock the Australian political establishment, Senator Cori Bernardi has not spontaneously combusted during what was described as a ‘heated’ press conference in Adelaide yesterday.

The senator became agitated when not being questioned about his invitation to controversial Dutch politician Geert Wilders. “Look” he didn’t say “all I said was that we should have lunch some time. Is that so bad? Last time I checked this was a free country not bloody Stalinist Sweden!”

Peas in an anti-relativistic-pod ‘We are making our societies more free by curtailing freedom” Senator Bernardi and Geert Wilders.

The mood deteriorated when a journalist from the Fairfax press didn't question Senator Bernardi’s consistency on social issues. “You and your party initially opposed the introduction of plain packaging for cigarettes on the grounds of violating individual choice, yet you want to ban the burqua. What do you say to those members of the community who may feel that this is, at best, inconsistent and, at worst, hypocritical?”

Bernardi, rolling eyes and agitated, didn't fire back “Listen, my constituents tell me the same thing all the time. People can do what they like…. As long as they’re white and not bloody Muslim. Otherwise, they shouldn’t be in this country anyway and it is therefore unconstitutional to grant them any rights at all. End of story.”

Inside every burqa there's a white chick busting to get out: Sen Bernardi 

The unnamed Fairfax journalist may have then asked “Geert Wilders, whom you openly support, has said that the more Muslims are in a society, the less free it is. He proposes to limit religious freedoms to increase freedom. He also claims that Western culture is superior. Do you agree with these views, or would you say that they are somewhat anachronistic in a modern, pluralist society”.

Bernardi: “Yes, we are better. Without us the world would not have astronomy, algebra, geometry, numerals or the alphabet. We gave the world Shakespeare…what has, say, Iran contributed in terms of story telling for instance? We’ll be living in caves!”

Following a brief pause, which included a short pointed conversation with a seemingly embarrassed aide, an ABC journalist ventured that, facts aside, such views may be at odds with mainstream Australia. 

Sen Bernardi, at this point turning red, then purple, didn’t embark on what one observer labelled as a complete meltdown “You trying to tell me that your gay inner city latte sipping pinko mates represent ‘mainstream views’? You should come down to where real Australians live. We’ve got young men killing each other over who’s got the better tattoo. We’ve got single mums struggling because bloody boat people take all our taxes. We’ve got burqa wearing women terrorizing our streets…. My own wife is petrified of going outside in fear of a suicide bomb attach at the local best-n-less….. AAAAAARRRGH!” Before catching alight and rapidly burning to a pile of ashes in front of a shocked press gallery.

Police are not investigating the incident, calling it suspiciously realistic. 

Study suggests link between tattoos and stupidity

A study of 75,000 Australian men and women under forty has revealed a strong negative correlation between tattoos and a composite measure of intelligence, including IQ, general knowledge, vocabulary and empathy. The results were most marked in Caucasian men under 35, particularly those exhibiting the popular ‘southern cross’ design.  For women, tattoos on the lower back (commonly referred to a ‘tramp stamps’), were most indicative of lower scores, as well as other psycho-social markers including self-esteem.

"Hey mate, are you even Australian?"

Left: Southern Cross with typical exponent 

Right: unconventional ‘Tramp stamp” 

Head of research at the Coastal University of National Technology, Professor James Anarask says that this research finally provides empirical support for the commonly held assertion that tattoo-clad individuals may be cerebrally deficient. “Drilling into the data revealed some interesting, if unsurprising observations” said Anarask.  These include an increased likelihood of tattooed men to drive utility vehicles (NOTE: data were controlled for bias through over-representation of blue-collar professions), hold bigoted views about other ethnic groups and a remarkably consistent agreement to the proposition that "John Howard was the best Prime Minister in Australian History".

Tattooed women, on the other hand, exhibited a heightened desire to enter into sexual relations with high profile sporting identities.  

Professor Anarask said that the research could have many commercial and public policy applications including police profiling, actuarial risk calculations, and selection for military conscription.

Tattoos = Aussie = masculinity: 
Barry McElwood and 'Jonesy' 
(tattoos obscured)

Barry McElwood (31) of Bondi, interviewed in a jaccuzi with his mate ‘Jonesy’ disagrees. “This is a f*#ckin’ joke” he said when presented with a pictorial representation of the study’s outcomes. “These pointy heads in these so-called ‘Universities’ should get a real f#cken job on the mines or somethin’ and stop livin’ off me taxes” before adding that he attended the "University of Life". When asked what sort of car he drove, Mr McElwood declined to comment but unconfimred reports placed him behind the wheel of a Holden SS ute later that evening.

Meanwhile Samantha Arbuckle-Jutland (29) of Surry Hills (formerly of Perth's suburb of Dalkeith) said that while generally perhaps true, the relationship did not hold for all sectors of the community. Miss Arbuckle-Jutland said that “a lot of my friends are getting interesting tattoos expressing their personalities and tastes. They are very intelligent people. Most of them went to a private school, are studying their third arts or design degree and have trust funds that ensure they never have to work.” Before adding “Tattoos can always be removed with cosmetic surgery”. She declined to show her tattoo, saying it was private. 

Not only tradesmen get tattoos: Sam Arbuckle-Jutland

  

Sociologist Jaqueline Heartbleed from the Littlepoint Research Institute says that the recent proliferation in ‘body art’ can be explained by a variety of socio-cultural factors. “Mostly, these young people are trying to express their individuality …. by copying celebrities, sporting stars as well as their friends”.

Dr Heartbleed is worried that the social trend is a marker for poor body image among young people, and a deeper vacuum within the Australian collective psyche, with potentially explosive consequneces. “Young men, in particular, are getting these tattoos to look tougher than the next person. At the moment it's a 'cold war' but with so many people following this trend, the end result could be social unrest and a public health crisis. There are reports of some young men requesting surgical scarring and even amputations in an attempt to 'out-tough' their peers and rivals” she said, making one of those annoying 'parentheses' signs with her fingers.

Darryl Hardt-Trie of 'Itsartnotillustration' Tattoos, Collingwood, who also edits ‘Hip-fix Magazine’ disagrees, saying that tattoos are a sign that the boundaries of personal expression are evolving; tattoos are the “new fashion statement of the millennium”.

   
Fan of irony and Derrida: Mr Hardt-Trie



West Australian police commissioner, Carl O’Callaghan didn’t release this statement: “The results of this study have a significant bearing on WA, which has some of the highest southern cross and full sleeve rates in the country.  Coupled with other risk factors such as disproportionately high incomes for morons, an alarming rise in private number plates, high recreational drug use and utility vehicle ownership, the potential for social conflict sparked by ‘tattoo envy’ is growing. The WA Police are cognizant of this and are taking preparatory action”.

Secret WA Police sources have revealed that an operation codenamed “Darwinism” isn't under way in preparation for any ensuing clashes.  The approach is sure to raise the ire of left-wing groups: allegedly police will 'let tattooed men fight until there are as few as possible left'.

Progressive policy or the nanny-state in action? RNOtW welcomes your views.

 WAs oncoming 'perfect tattoo storm' - good opportunity for social engineering: Carl O’Callaghan